Although I am close to 40, it sometimes strikes to me that I am still immature. I would always find the decisions I made being short of consideration afterwards and they are mostly coming from my first instinct which are frequently wrong although I mistakenly think highly of myself. Yet from a retrospective view, I am not intellectually superior to the average or clever to the extent I imagined I am.

By not knowing that, I am paying my price now. I have to learn subjects that I should have been familiar with in college. The base bricks of my knowledge pyramid is breaking down or so fragile that I have to put patches and patches to it which makes me feel so tired when studying, in particular in demand of calculating and memorizing. I have to take a break every 10 minutes when learning logistic regression, survival function and cox regression. But I can not quit and all I can do is to fight this uphill battle for an unknown length of time. Keep fighting, please.

I was thinking of Jo today and doing the reflection of our relationship. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes. I should not have gotten involved into those arguments. She was just expressing her long-time depressed emotion in a way that is hard to accept at first, but understandable later when the dust settles. It is my mistake that I did not give this family what it deserves. I need to change for the sake of Jo, Tom, and Louis.

Yes, I will.